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POLITICALLY CORRECT VERSION OF 'THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS!'
'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves"
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E P A
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened"
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows
Rudolf was suing over unauthorised use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation
Demanding millions in over-due compensation
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz
Demanding from now on her title was Ms
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her
Nothing that might be construed to pollute
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot
Nothing that clamoured or made lots of noise
Nothing for just girls. Or just for boys
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific
No candy or sweets ... they were bad for the tooth
Nothing that seemed to embellish the truth
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was ecological
No baseball, no football ... someone could get hurt;
Besides; playing sports exposed kids to dirt
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away
So Santa just stood there, dishevelled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay
But you've got to be careful with that word today
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue
Everyone, everywhere ... even you
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth ...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth"
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CHRISTMAS QUIZ 1996 VERSION
I am sending along a copy of a Christmas Quiz we enjoy here in
Wisconsin. I don't know where it came from but I have changed it a
bit through the years. It has brought joy to some and has even caused
a few to read the Bible during a busy season of the year.
Pastor Wayne Dobratz
St. Stephen Lutheran Church
Horicon, WI USA
1) As long as Christmas has been celebrated, it has been on Dec. 25th.
True or False
2) Joseph was from a) Bethlehem b)Jerusalem c) Nazareth d) Egypt
e) None of the above
3) Mary and Joseph were married when Mary became pregnant. True or
False
4) Mary and Joseph were married when Jesus was born. True or False
5) A manger is a) a stable b) a wooden hay storage bin c) a
feeding trough d) unknown
d6) Who saw the Star in the East? a) Shepherds b) Mary & Joseph c)
Three Kings d) both a & c
e) None of the above
7) How many angels spoke to the shepherds? a) one b) three c) A
multitude d) none of the above
8) What is a heavenly host? a) the angel at the gate of heaven b)
The angel who invites people to heaven c) The angel who serves
drinks in heaven d) an angel choir e) an angel army f) None of
the above
9) What is "Frankincense"? a) a precious metal b) a precious fabric
c) a precious perfume d) None of the above
10) What is "Myrrh"? a) an easily shaped metal. b) A spice used for
burying a body c) a drink d) After-shave lotion e) None of
the above
11) How many Wise Men came to see Jesus? Write the number:
12) What does "Wise Men" refer to? a) Men of the educated class who
were astrologers b) They were Eastern Kings c) They were
smart enough to follow the Star d) They were "sages".
13) The Wise Men found Jesus in a a) manger b) stable c) house
d) Holiday Inn e) good mood
14) The Wise Men stopped in Jerusalem a) to inform Herod about Jesus
b) To find out where Jesus was c) to ask about the Star they saw
d) for supplies e) to buy presents for Jesus
15) Where do we find the Christmas Story to check up on all these
ridiculous questions? a) Matthew b) Mark c) Luke d) John
e) all of the above f) Only Matthew & Mark g) only Matthew &
Luke h) Only Matthew, Mark & Luke
16) Joseph took the baby Jesus to Egypt a) to show him the pyramids
b) to teach him the wisdom of the Pharaohs c) to put him in the
reeds by the water d) because he dreamed about it e) to be
taxed f) None of the above
17) Circle the true items about the real St. Nicholas: a) He was the
Bishop of a Church in Anatolia b) He gave gifts to the poor c)
He is the patron Saint of Russia, of children and of sailors d)
is known as Father Christmas in England, Grandfather Frost in
Russia and Pere Noel in France e) is known as a great
cross-country skier and snowboarder in Norway.
--- Put this answer page on the back of the sheet -------
ANSWER SHEET TO THE CHRISTMAS QUIZ 1996 Version
1) False
2) C
3) False
4) True
5) C
6) E
7) A
8) E
9) C
10) B
11) Unknown
12) A
13) C
14) B
15) G
16) D
17) A,B,C,D
Count up the number correct and grade yourself as follows:
14-17 correct You're a walking Christmas Encyclopedia!
10-13 correct You listened most of the time in Church
7-9 correct Read any Christmas cards lately?
4-6 correct Where have you been living? Iraq?
1-3 correct Let me tell you about the first Christmas
____________________________
Continue with the next part.
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